Ego, Emotion, Escalation

Sometimes dealing with conflict feels like too much work, so it’s tempting to avoid it. I’ve done this plenty of times. This weekend I was running in the park and saw a group of women walking. Instead of weaving around them, I slowed down. Was I really avoiding conflict, or just protecting my ego? If I had tried to pass them, I probably would have needed to stop and catch my breath right after, so was it worth it? That’s my ego talking. If I ignored my feelings, maybe I would have just run around them without caring. At worst, I could have pushed through rudely, which wouldn’t help anyone. Even small situations like this often come down to ego, emotion, and escalation.

Let’s be honest: when you go into a negotiation, you probably won’t get everything you want. Here’s a simple example. Imagine you’re at a rummage sale looking at a fishing tackle box. You don’t want to pay more than $15 because that’s what you paid for your last one years ago, but the seller wants at least $30. They spent time cleaning it up and making it look nice. If both of you refuse to budge, neither of you will be satisfied.

But if you pause and consider what you really want, more options appear. Maybe you don’t truly need that nicely refurbished tackle box, but it’s more appealing than fixing your old one. Plus, since you’re fishing offshore more often, the extra space could help. For the seller, maybe they see that fixing up several items helped them get more value, but now these boxes are just taking up space. That could make them more open to lowering the price.

This kind of thinking, focusing on interests rather than rigid positions, makes for a better negotiation and helps keep the three E’s in check.

It’s easy to keep the three E’s in check when only thirty dollars are at stake at a weekend rummage sale. If the negotiation fails, you lose a bit of storage space. But what about when the stakes are much higher, like ending a business partnership, dealing with a labor dispute, or handling a tough workplace issue?

That’s when you really see how much endurance it takes to resolve conflict. When the issue is personal or affects someone’s job, people take sides quickly.

First, ego takes over. A rejected proposal stops being just a business issue and starts to feel like a personal attack. Giving in feels like losing in front of everyone. When ego feels threatened, emotions take over. Anxiety, frustration, and resentment fill the room, and the focus shifts from solving the problem to beating the other side. Then escalation happens. To protect their pride, both sides dig in, make ultimatums, and refuse to back down because they don’t want to lose face.

Eventually, both sides reach a dead end. The conflict feels like a burning building, and it seems impossible to find a way to compromise.

This is where mediation can really change things. When people are stuck in the cycle of the three E’s, a mediator does more than pass messages back and forth. The mediator changes the mood in the room. By staying neutral, the mediator helps absorb the emotional tension and takes ego out of the process. Instead of giving in to an opponent, each side makes a smart choice by working with a neutral professional. A mediator builds a "golden bridge"—a respectful way for both sides to step back, save face, and get back to solving the real problem.